Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Excuse me while I clean up the mental vomit

How many times have I said to myself in the past week, "It's okay, it's almost over"? How many times have I been told, "Only X-number of days until Y!" How long have I spent dwelling on the end and holding my breath through the process of getting there, willing time to pass by quicker so I can take my big exhale at the end?

That big sigh-of-relief that I've been waiting for, that I always wait for, is never as fulfilling as I build it up to be. My eyes are closed for days in anticipation of the beautiful bright light that will make enduring this struggle seem worthwhile, but why do I ignore the struggle?

Needless to say, the final days of school and the final (6!) days of packing have been some of the most trying that I have had in months. Writing my master's thesis was a fraction of the frustration that these times are now. Getting through a full MS seems to be on par though.

My life has been spent ignoring the present, willing myself to forget the struggle of the present to quicken the arrival of the presumed better future. When I look back at everything that I have done with my life up until this point I have a big black void staring me in the face. I've succeeded in one thing, and it's not the one I've hoped for.

Failing to recognize that pain and stress and struggle are part and parcel of the process has cheated me out of so many memories and character building opportunities. Doing so, looking at today and thanking it for helping me take one step forward to my goal, will make reaching my goal all the more fulfilling. But even then, that goal should not be seen as an end. Rather it is another giant step that I've taken in the right direction, on a path that does not necessarily have an end.


  1. Hey Leah..That's one philosophical post you have put across...

    You remind me of my other best friend (who incidentally stays really close to my home)..who is typically like - copes up with day to day things by keeping her eye fixed on a "better tomorrow"... I guess it is each one's mechanism to pass through life...

    I am too grounded in reality and well.. am a firm believer of "the grass is greener on my side". Ever! This is probably my way of coping up - and ensuring I don't get hurt.

    Which is good..truthfully, am not sure.. but if you ask my personal opinion, I'll surely say - my way is better ;) (cos the grass is green on my side, you see!)

    Btw, why no mails??

  2. Leah: Nicely written! I'll just leave you with one of my favorite lines ever written. It comes courtesy of Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn and I think it is very appropriate here. "Kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight". I think that says it all.

  3. @Ju, if I haven't apologized enough for being missing-in-action, I'm sorry again! We move on Monday night, and probably will be passed out until Thursday after 20 hours of meowing in the back of the car.

    And Wendy, that was nicely put. It's a beautiful visual too!